It’s never good news

/sigh

Yesterday, before leaving the doctor with seven prescriptions, I had some blood drawn. They weren’t able to find a vein in my hand, so it was taking out of my wrist. Today, I got the call about the test. I am extremely deficient in vitamin b-12.

The doctor is assuming this is what’s causing the nerve problems, which is great if it’s true and it’s as simple to fix as a b-12 deficiency is. However, this is yet another thing that is going to be wrong with me for the rest of my life.

I’m already serving multiple life sentences, but it seems I still haven’t been punished enough for being alive.

For the next 2+ months, I will be visiting the doctor’s office once a week for a b-12 shot. After my levels rise to an acceptable number, more time will pass between injections. The longest it will ever be in between injections is three months, thought it will probably have to be once a month. For the rest of my life.

Dermatillomania

Spending nearly an hour meticulously removing a single scab.

I CANNOT WAIT

It seems my 10-day rush of getting things done for the holidays (cookies baked and frosted, candy made, dipped pretzels and spoons, homemade enchiladas, packaging the mass produced gifts, carrying ten dozen cookies and around 20 dozen candies from the car to the building I work in, shopping, doctor visits, finals and more that I can’t remember) has caught up with me. I feel awful. And, I got so very far behind yesterday because I helped B’s mother take a cat to the vet, that I didn’t finish laundry or packing here. I will not be able to even start the gifts I was going to sew for my aunt and grandmother. I knew I wouldn’t get to the pyjamas for my grandfather, but thought that I could at least get those finished. Nope.

I feel supremely guilty because I have spent pretty much the past week and a half at B’s, working. Not what I usually do, which is cuddling with kitties, watching documentaries, brushing Pumpernickel and napping with Clover. Every day she has been mewwing at me, crying at me, trying to get me to come downstairs and get on the couch with her under the blanket and sleep. But I can’t. It breaks my heart.

And Friday morning, we are leaving for VACATION. 8 days of vacation. In Arizona/Mexico. The airports, of course, will be awful, especially the day after xmas – the day we come home. But I really need this vacation. This past year has been so hard. And I know that 2010 will be full of the same old stressful bullshit. I know it will still be filled with doctor visits, three jobs, school, therapy sessions, medical tests, money problems, pills, OH! the pills…

I think it will be a wonderful way to end the year, hard as it may be to come home. It will be really weird actually spending xmas with B’s family, who I only know from our last vacation. I. Hate. Christmas. Really, I do. If it were up to me, I would stay at home as much as I could, leaving only to buy more food. I hate the idea that you are required to buy stuff and give stuff just to prove that you care. I give gifts to people year-round, whenever I see something I want to give them. I hate the idea that it must be confined to specific days of the year, and so I have a serious aversion to all holidays. But this is the worst. Anyway, I just want to be able to not have to wear socks or a coat and scarf, squish my toes in the sand, eat shrimp that was caught only hours before, drink in a bar while watching the kids ice skating, go to the Herd Museum. It is going to be wonderful.

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up with all my problems solved. Just how much I wish that is startling and outrageous.

Today $230 was spent on me, including a doctor visit, three prescriptions and a matching set of wrist braces. Why the braces? Because I am having some serious nerve issues, but I can’t afford the thousands of dollars nerve test to find out what’s wrong. So, the braces it is. Also got some diet pills to get skinny for France and some Ritalin (!!!) because I can’t stay awake due to the lovely painkillers.

I have also found out that I have, oh, about eight thousand dollars in debt. Medical debt, that is. My student loans are another matter. And there’s still that one credit card.

And then there is how I am feeling. Often I have been feeling like I’m making the right decision and a huge mistake at the same time. I can’t seem to make up my mind about anything.

There’s more, but I’m exhausted.

Guh. Fuck post titles.

I have now finally settled with myself that I don’t have any friends. I’ve felt this way for a while, and some recent things have made me just let it go. I’m okay with spending the majority of my time alone and the rest with B. I enjoy it, actually.

Things that made me decide this: 1) one never, ever gives up on standing up for a friend; 2) I spent so much time trying to get information, conversation, anything but my boyfriend got it all instead. I don’t like it.

So stop.

Things I’ve Been Thinking About

I just retook the weird color test, and the results were startlingly, embarrassingly accurate.

Your Existing Situation
Hoping to climb the corporate ladder and gain a position with more power and higher pay so that she can live a more lavish lifestyle, and obtain the things she has had to go without.
Your Stress Sources
Wishes for freedom and independence, free from limitations and restrictions except for the ones she choices to give herself.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Finds satisfaction in sexual activity, but is emotionally detached which prevents her from becoming too involved.
Is feeling emotionally drained from stressful and tense situations. she is in need of peace and quiet in order to overcome her lack of energy and may become irritable if she does not recover.
Your Desired Objective
Is easily exhausted from too much argument and harsh circumstances. Sensitive and looks for sympathy and understanding from others.
Your Actual Problem
Longs the freedom to make her own decisions and plans without the criticism and restrictions of others. Uses her charm to deal with others and get what she wants.

Hmm… I normally don’t believe any of the stuff like this, but there it is.

My grandfather found his old Hawaiian steel guitar underneath the stairs today. I never even knew there was such a thing, and this one is in perfect condition. It’s 65 years old.

I took pictures of about a quarter of the vintage patterns/magazines I am going to list on Etsy. I recently found out that my insurance did not pay any part of my colonoscopy/endoscopy, so I suddenly have $4000 more in medical debt. I wish that I could just be healthy enough to not have to do all of these things that I cannot afford, but have no choice. There is only one current laxative that I haven’t tried, and I picked up the prescription today. I have also received some stuff that I would have to inject into my stomach. Fun.

There’s so much more going on in my mind right now. B and I just barely recovered from a tension that has been ignored by both of us for over a month. It is better now, which makes things a lot easier for me, but there’s always something. I’ve lost a lot of respect for a lot of people in the last couple of weeks, and I’m starting to have even less faith in other people. I’ve become so much of a misanthrope, I spend days where all I do is leave my room long enough to get something to eat and use the toilet. This is pretty much what I did all recess. And it is pretty much all I’ll do for winter recess as well. I sometimes even get to the point where I have had enough of B, and need to be away from him for a while. So it goes.

Gawd

There has been so much drama at work. However, I get to work from open until close on Thanksgiving, which is great. I hate holidays, and I get holiday pay for eight hours! It’ll be super sweet. It’s fall recess from school, and I only work on Thanksgiving this week, which means I almost have the entire week off.

But, I have been in so much pain the past week, and it only seems to be getting worse. Even my fingers hurts. And I’m having some serious nerve problems. Bleh.

I hate passive-aggressive bullshit

But I’m doing it.

It was so hard to tell B what was hurting me and now it seems like he thinks that now it’s all better. It’s not. I tried to tell him that, but it doesn’t seem like it’s sinking in. The only thing he did was say sorry. Just words. No. Actions. So yes, I left him a note where I know he’ll find it. Because I’ve already mustered all of my courage for telling people how so terribly hurt I feel. Jesusfuck.

It’s Bacon!

I’ll be honest, I didn’t come up with this myself (though I wish I had!), I got the idea from this funny little blog. I didn’t follow her recipe exactly, but the end product was so-o-o-o-o go-o-o-o-o-od.

Here’s how I did it:

Preheat oven. Pray that you will not burn the house down. This oven is older than my mother (51!). Preheat to 350, because the oven runs hot. Keep an eye on it. It is not to be trusted.

Lay out a pound of raw thick-cut bacon onto a rack on top of a pan lined in foil to catch the grease. Squish it together as much as possible, but don’t overlap. Be sure to get raw bacon slime all over the counter.

While the bacon starts to cook in the scary oven, get some maple syrup and brown sugar. I didn’t measure. Also, get a plastic baggie and a pair of scissors.

Mix the syrup and sugar together. Add more sugar, then more syrup, then more sugar, until desired consistency is reached. Save some sugar for later.

Once the desired consistency is reached, pour into the plastic baggie. Use fingers to gather remaining syrup/sugar mixture stuck on bowl and then lick fingers.

Constantly check on bacon to make sure the scary oven is not going to burn it. Once the bottom is browned, flip the slices.

Cut a small(!) hole in one corner of the baggie. Then cut a bigger one and wish you hadn’t. Apply to bacon. Return to scary oven and check on it every minute or so. Burning sugar is not fun.

After sugar mixture caramelizes, flip bacon and apply more mixture from now sticky plastic baggie. Return to scary oven, and lick sugar mixture off of sticky fingers (and bag!). Repeat step until desired candied-ness is achieved, or you run out of sugar mixture.

Sprinkle saved brown sugar on still very hot bacon. Get hot bacon caramel on hot pads. Wait.

Leave scary oven open to cool off for the next four hours.

After the bacon cools, use a sharp knife to scrape the bacon off of the rack, nearly stabbing yourself no less than two times.

Cut into bite-size pieces and store in air-tight containers.

Eat enough to make your stomach hurt.

Lose camera for ten minutes.

There we go!

I cannot hold a camera still to save my life.

Jezuuuuusssss.

I have no idea what to do right now. I finally broke down and told B what was bothering me. I tried to get him to figure it out himself, but he couldn’t. It never occurred to him, but now that he knows, he feels like crap. And I’m not apologizing because he should. I’ve felt like crap for months, and the past three weeks have been even worse. I’m glad I have my therapist tomorrow afternoon.